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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28474476">I Grieve For You  -  I Love You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyTP/pseuds/LadyTP'>LadyTP</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Turn (TV 2014)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Benjamin Tallmadge and the Brilliant Perfect Very Good Very Wonderful Day, Benjamin Tallmadge and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Secret Santa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 14:34:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28474476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyTP/pseuds/LadyTP</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The most powerful feelings we experience - those piercing us to our core - are related to <strong>grief</strong> and <strong>love</strong>, breaking us and building us anew. These go through stages, taking us on an emotional rollercoaster.</p><p>For <strong>grief</strong>; shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. For <strong>love</strong>; infatuation, romance, intimacy, challenge, trust, exploration, stability and commitment. </p><p>
  <strong>And it is the fate of Major Benjamin Tallmadge to experience and go through all these emotions and stages in a single day and night… all because of one Caleb Brewster. </strong>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caleb Brewster/Benjamin Tallmadge</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. SHOCK</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucyemers/gifts">Lucyemers</a>.</li>



    </ul><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wrote this fic for Turn: Rat King Spy &amp; Co. Discord Server Secret Santa challenge as a gift for <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucyemers">Lucyemers</a>. Merry Christmas (again)! I will post this in instalments of a few chapters at the time over the weekend and next week.</p><p>Million thanks for <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASheepsLife"> ASheepsLife </a> for kindly betaing this work!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    
  </p><p> </p><p>
 <strong>SHOCK</strong> 
  </p>
<p></p><p> </p><p>“I am Major Benjamin Tallmadge of the 2nd Continental Light Dragoons and my companion is Lieutenant Caleb Brewster, assigned to me for special detail. We are officers in the Continental Army and I demand us to be treated as such.” Ben keeps his voice steady and doesn’t waver as he stands in front of the desk of a dishevelled British officer.</p><p>The man appears to be at the end of his tether, his eyes bloodshot and deep lines on his face telling a tale of hurried marches or sleepless nights - or both. He eyes Ben suspiciously.</p><p>“An officer, you say? Maybe you are, you are at least wearing a uniform. Captain Havesfield at your service.” The man nods curtly, no signs of implied servitude in his behaviour. “Your companion, on the other hand, is a civilian. A spy, I’d say.”</p><p>“No, I can assure you he is an officer as well – “ Ben is interrupted by an angry wave from Havesfield.</p><p>“Officers wear uniforms and don’t look like vagabonds, with no pride in their appearance. And even if he is what you say, not being in a uniform he can expect to be treated as a spy. I am sick and weary of you continentals, rebelling against your God-ordained king and government, sneaking around these lands like the cowards and traitors you are!” His face turns red as he speaks and his voice grows louder.</p><p>“According to the articles of war you may hold us your prisoner, but you must treat us according to our rank – and that includes providing care to my wounded companion.” Ben can’t get Caleb’s pained expression out of his mind, nor the way he folded over and collapsed on the floor of the shed they were led to. The wound isn’t fatal, thank God, but it’s clear that Caleb needs urgent care.</p><p>“Why would we bother when he’s to be hanged tomorrow anyway?”</p><p>Ben’s heart stops for a moment. It is as if he was punched in a stomach, he can’t breathe and the room around him is spinning. His knees threaten to buckle and for a moment he’s afraid he will fall over.</p><p>
    <em>They can’t hang him, they can’t. He is not a spy. Even if he was, they couldn’t…</em>
  </p><p>And then Ben is hit with the painful truth.</p><p>
    <em>They could. They can.</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>They did it to Nathan.</em>

</p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. DENIAL</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>DENIAL</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>Surely they <em>wouldn’t</em>.</p><p>Ben knows their position is precarious – being caught in British territory when there were no official army movements about, Caleb looking like he does…</p><p>He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath - he wants to protest but his mouth is dry and his tongue refuses to form the words. He replays the events that brought them here in his mind as if they could offer some explanation for their grim situation.</p>
<hr/><p>
    <em>It happened so fast they had no time to react. One moment they were riding their borrowed horses side by side down a quiet trail close to Rocky Point; the next they were surrounded by redcoats on all sides. Two soldiers stormed from the bushes to grab the reins of their horses, half a dozen others aiming their muskets at them while their leader raised his sabre and shouted: “Surrender, in the name of His Majesty King George!”</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Ben might have charged, might have fought his way out of there with his drawn sword – but as usual, Caleb was faster, leaning down to deliver a well-aimed blow at the man holding his horse.</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Then one of the redcoats opened fire.</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>Caleb’s whole body shuddered at the impact. Although he struggled to stay in the saddle, clutching at his bleeding thigh, he lost his balance and hit the ground with a sickening thump.</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>“Caleb!” Ben shouted, a cold dread unlike any he had ever experienced squeezing his chest, all fight in him dying then and there.</em>
  </p>
<hr/><p>Ben’s mind is scrambling, trying to make sense out of senselessness. Surely an officer in the King’s army won’t make hasty decisions about something as important as a man’s life? Surely they will be interrogated, their story examined and corroborated?</p><p>For sure the worst they can expect is to be detained, maybe sent to a prison ship? The best they can hope for is to be exchanged back to their own side in a prisoner exchange. Yes, that makes the most sense. An officer is worth several foot soldiers in those situations, everyone knows that.</p><p>If the British send word to General Washington – as rules dictate – he would without a doubt do everything in his power to get them both released. Ben is not a vain man, but he knows the worth of his and Caleb’s service to the cause.</p><p>But to be executed – that is not possible. It simply <em>isn’t.</em></p><p>While Ben’s mind is still buzzing, the officer nods at the soldiers at the door and one of them grabs Ben by the arm and pulls him away. When they reach the door, Havesfield shouts after them.</p><p>“Johnson, find them some bandages. We don’t want the spy to bleed to death before the hanging, do we?”</p><p>Ben stumbles and only the strong grip of his escort keeps him on his feet.</p></div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you like this emotional rollercoaster, please do let me know! And come and say hi on Tumblr at <a href="https://ladytp-annex.tumblr.com/">ladytp-annex</a>!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. PAIN</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ben's downward spiral continues...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>PAIN</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>Ben falls to the floor on all fours after being pushed into the shed, hitting his hands and knees painfully against the coarse wooden planks. All he has eyes for, however, is the prone body in the corner.</p><p>“Caleb?” Ben croaks. He clutches the bundle of cloth against his chest and inches next to Caleb, starting desperately to examine the bloody gash on Caleb’s thigh. He must remove the remnants of the fabric to see how bad the wound is, if the bullet is still lodged inside…</p><p>“Tallboy?” Caleb opens his eyes and offers Ben a lopsided smile. “Didn’t exactly go as we planned, did it? We’d be drinking whiskey in Woody’s barn if it had, instead of me bleeding here in a shed, guarded by the bloody lobsterbacks.”</p><p>Ben clenches his jaw. It is Caleb who has been shot and yet Ben feels the pain, not in his leg but his soul.</p><p>“Shush, don’t talk, just let me have a look at your wound.” Ben’s trembling fingers unbutton Caleb’s breeches, the intimacy of the act adding another agonising layer to the turmoil already filling his mind. He would cut the cloth but has nothing to cut it with, their weapons having been confiscated when they were overpowered.</p><p>He pulls the breeches down, slowly and carefully, Caleb helping him by pushing himself up to let the fabric slide under. He wears no drawers, like most men in the army, but his long shirt covers his modesty – another matter that in normal circumstances would give Ben a considerable pause, but for which he now has no time.</p><p>Ben lifts the shirt-tail enough to reveal Caleb’s thigh, covered in coarse hair and smeared with blood. He locates the bullet wound and to his relief it seems to have gone clean through the flesh rather than embedded in it as he had feared. He dabs the blood with the cloth he was given – it is not the cleanest but at least not visibly soiled and is better than nothing.</p><p>Ben sweats, feeling beads forming on his forehead and sliding down to his eyes. He blinks and his vision blurs – whether it is the sweat or something else in his eyes, he can’t tell. He wipes them with the back of his hand.</p><p>“That bad, huh?” Caleb observes him.</p><p>“No, not at all,” Ben tries to assure him. “It’s a clean wound, nicely through, no bullet left behind.”</p><p>“Glad to hear - at least now I should be fit to walk to the gallows in the morning. Or whatever tree branch they have found for me to swing from.” Caleb’s voice is steady, a hint of his usual sarcasm peeking through the otherwise laconic statement.</p><p>“What do you mean? There’ll be no gallows.” Ben is shocked by Caleb’s matter-of-factness.</p><p>“Listen, I appreciate your attempts to cater to my sensitivities, but that ship has sailed, Benny-boy.” Caleb raises his eyebrow, then apparently satisfied that Ben has finished his ministrations, lifts himself higher, wincing before settling against the wall.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I heard the guards talking. The officer in charge has already determined my fate: the rope it is. Apparently a pretty mean bastard, this one.”</p><p>Ben sways on his spot, fighting against nausea threatening to spill the meagre contents of his stomach on the floor then and there.</p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. GUILT</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>GUILT</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>It is <em>his</em> fault that they are in this pickle in the first place, Ben knows. He had wanted to rendezvous with Abe and show him the latest tools of their trade personally. Maybe he had wanted to be where the action happened instead of being buried at the camp, writing reports and briefing Washington.</p><p>Ben’s chest tightens. <em>He</em> alone is responsible for what awaits Caleb.</p><p>“I can hear you thinking all the way over here, Tallboy. You might as well tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”</p><p>Ben whirls around from the door where he is examining their chances of escaping that way – which are none, the door being thick and sturdy and guarded by at least one if not two soldiers on the other side.</p><p>Caleb has pulled his breeches back up but hasn’t bothered to button them, his shirt billowing around him. He looks at Ben, something in his eyes arresting him on the spot. Caleb is never serious – everyone knows that - but now he is assessing Ben, his head slightly cocked, and his gaze penetrates through Ben and a new pang of guilt washes over him.</p><p>“This is my fault,” Ben blurts out.</p><p>Caleb closes his eyes and sighs. “I thought you might say something as hare-brained as that.”</p><p>Ben walks next to him and just hovers there, unsure whether to sit down on the floor or stay standing.</p><p>“Sit,” Caleb commands, making Ben’s mind up for him. He folds his long legs into a cross-legged position and crouches awkwardly closer to Caleb.</p><p>“Stop it, you hear? Stop it right now.” Caleb’s speech is clipped. “You didn’t get us here. I have a mind of my own and I agreed with you. So don’t blame yourself.”</p><p>“I should have let you go on your own.” Ben stares at the floor. “I wasn’t really needed on this trip, you’d have done it perfectly well on your own.”</p><p>“Does it occur to you that I <em>wanted</em> you to come?” Caleb’s voice is softer now. Weary.</p><p>“Me?”</p><p>“Yes, you, you blockhead. We don’t get to spend much time together these days, you always hobnobbing with the top ranks. I thought it’d be nice to be, you know, just us.”</p><p>Ben stares at Caleb in disbelief. He – wanted to spend time together? For a moment he forgets their situation and his insides flutter. If it was up to Ben, he’d spend every moment of his days with Caleb – but he never thought the feeling might be mutual.</p><p>When he now looks at Caleb – really <em>looks</em> at him, his best friend, his confidante, his companion – warmth fills Ben’s chest. That familiar face, those soft brown eyes, that devilish grin that lights up his whole face… He is always mindful lest Caleb catches him staring, but for once, he doesn’t care.</p><p>Ben takes Caleb’s hand into his own and turns it around. It is warm, broad, the fingers are blunt and the fingernails could do with a bit of cleaning, but none of that matters. It feels solid and real and when Ben squeezes it, Caleb squeezes back.</p><p>Ben fights against the sudden impulse to lift it against his cheek.</p><p>“I am sorry,” he murmurs instead, staring at their intertwined hands. ‘I am so sorry, Caleb.”
</p><p>
  
</p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. ANGER</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again, many thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASheepsLife"> ASheepsLife </a>for betaing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>ANGER</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>Nobody comes to see them until the dusk has fallen. The rattling of keys and banging of clay dishes announces the arrival before the door opens.</p><p>“Food for the prisoners,” the soldier announces – one of those who caught them, as far as Ben can tell. He places the tray carefully on the floor and turns to go.</p><p>However, Ben isn’t about to let him go that easily. In the past hour he has had time to think and stew on his bent-up emotions and his anger has grown and grown until he feels he could explode. As he sat with Caleb and held his hand, the guilt and regret transformed into something hotter, something more volatile and dangerous.</p><p>Caleb has seemed to withdraw into himself, being unusually quiet and contemplative. It is something Ben hasn’t seen him do before – until he remembers that as a matter of fact, he has, for a while after the death of Lucas Brewster. Ben had wanted to console him then but hadn’t known what to do besides offering muttered words and a squeeze on Caleb’s shoulder. Now he wishes he had reached out to him more to ease his burden – as when Caleb is suffering, Ben too feels the pain.</p><p>Now, however, Ben is angry.</p><p>“Soldier, stop right there!” Using his most commanding voice and adopting the most refined British accent he has heard at Yale does the trick and the soldier stops.</p><p>“What your commander is doing here is against all ordinances of war and you can rest assured he won’t get away with it. I demand to see him right away.” Ben stands up and straightens himself into his full height, satisfied to notice he towers over the hapless soldier, whose gaze flips back and forth between Ben and the door.</p><p>“Take me to him – now.” Without waiting for an answer Ben marches to the door – and the soldier lets him, only clutching his musket tighter.</p><p>“Show’em hell, Tallboy!” Caleb calls from the corner, but without his usual bluster.</p><p>As if Ben needs any encouragement. The hot anger that burned through him just a moment ago has now turned into a steely resolve, into a bottomless dark pit in his stomach shutting out everything else but a desire to shout, to curse, to hit something.</p><p>Yet Ben knows that won’t help. No, he has to harness his anger and stay in control, show that miserable British ratbag that one doesn’t treat officers of the Continental Army with so little regard; one doesn’t spit in the face of General Washington and get away with it. The man has superior officers, and if needed, Ben will take the matter all the way to General Howe.</p><p>He glances at Caleb over his shoulder and seeing him in the corner, pale and listless, pierces him through – but it also feeds his rage.</p><p>
    
  </p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. BARGAINING</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>BARGAINING</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>“I must protest at your announcement to consider my fellow officer a spy, to be hanged like a common criminal. It is against all laws of civilised warfare!” Ben declares, staring stone-faced at Havesfield. The man is sitting at the same desk Ben last saw him, looking, if possible, even wearier than before.</p><p>Well, matters not, as Ben is not going to give up so easily this time. He presses his mouth into a thin line and raises his chin, defiantly.</p><p>“I see no reason to delay, the case is clear. He was apprehended in British territory dressed in civilian clothes, carrying incriminating military documents on his person,” Havesfield says, the coldness in his voice palpable.</p><p>“The letters he was carrying are mine, and I alone carry the responsibility of them.” Ben tries to maintain his composure despite the fury burning inside him.</p><p>“Do you have a death wish, Major? As if you insist, you get to hang right beside your friend. Or be shot in the back while you try to escape.” Havesfield lifts his head and stares at Ben, the hate in his eyes obvious and unwavering. “Like you rebels did to my brother. <em>‘Killed during an attempt to escape’</em>, they claimed, but I knew my brother. He would have never done such a reckless deed.”</p><p>Some of Ben’s anger dissolves and he sees the man now for what he is: a man on a private vendetta. It doesn’t make him any less dangerous – on the contrary – but Ben has to try. Caleb’s life depends on it.</p><p>“I am an important man in General Washington’s army, and so is Lieutenant Brewster, even if it may not appear so. I am sure your superiors want to interview us both.” Ben steels himself against Havesfield’s scrutiny, now directed at him.</p><p>“Important, you say? How?”</p><p>“I am…we are… we work in intelligence.” Ben knows he shouldn’t breathe a word about it to anyone, least of all to the enemy. Yet he also knows that anything less might not be high enough stakes to halt the captain’s hand. He also knows that he would do anything to get Caleb out of here. Safe. <em>Alive.</em></p><p>Havesfield examines him for a long time before snorting. “You are trying to tell me that scallywag is <em>army intelligence</em>? No wonder your army is in such disarray. A nice try, Major, but you don’t fool me.”</p><p>Ben’s stomach drops.</p><p>“It is true, Captain! And as it happens, we are in the possession of important information that might interest General Howe. Something of high value to the whole British Army.” It is a desperate grab and Ben has no idea how to continue along that path if it comes to it – but he <em>is</em> desperate.</p><p>Havesfield has already returned to his dispatches, having lost interest in the discussion.</p><p>“Take him away, Phillips, and don’t bring him here again to waste my time.”</p><p>
      

  </p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. DEPRESSION</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>DEPRESSION</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>Ben is thrown back into the shed and he wastes no time returning to Caleb’s side. The anger inside him has eaten its way through his innards and the fiery rage has burned itself out. He is listless, empty.</p><p><em>I failed. I failed him,</em> is all he can think. There is a hollowness in his chest and he lays down next to Caleb, their sides touching.</p><p>“Caleb, I am so sorry. I tried, but that man is hell-bent on revenge for his brother,” Ben whispers. He would like to cry but he seems to have forgotten how.</p><p>“I know you did. You always try your best.” Caleb’s voice is even, but then he clears his throat. “Ben?”</p><p>“Yes?” Ben turns to look at him, afraid of what he’ll see. Disappointment, anger, perhaps? But all he sees is Caleb’s smile, tinged with sadness.</p><p>“Can I ask you to do something? It may be a touch odd, but perhaps you could humour me nonetheless. A dying man’s last wish, that sort of thing, you know?”</p><p>“Don’t say that! And yes, anything – ask me anything.” Ben can hardly get words out, overcome by fatigue and despair that hangs upon him like a dark cloud, choking and suffocating.</p><p>“Can you hold me?” After saying the words, Caleb looks aside in a studied nonchalance. “You know, it’s not exactly warm here and –“</p><p>Ben feels a jolt going straight through to his core, leaving him breathless. Did he hear it right?</p><p>He takes another look and seeing a rare expression of uncertainty in Caleb’s face, moves without hesitation. He wraps his arms around Caleb’s shoulders and waist and pulls him so they face each other, their bodies flush.</p><p>It feels like coming home.</p><p>There’s no need for words. The request might have been odd, but it doesn’t matter now, not in this bleak moment when the world around them is prepared to crush everything Ben holds dear.</p><p>As when he holds Caleb, feels him under his hands, the solid weight of his body partially resting on his own, Ben admits to himself that this man, his best friend, is what he holds dearest of all. Knowing what awaits in the morning cuts like a dull blade through this knowledge, leaving him raw and bleeding.</p><p>For a long while they don’t move, aside from Caleb nudging his head to rest against Ben’s shoulder.</p><p>“I’ve got you,” Ben whispers, running his fingers through Caleb’s shaggy hair. It feels odd to touch him so freely, without pretence or without needing to take advantage of an opportunity presented: a hearty slap on the back or a hug for a greeting.</p><p>To touch with intent.</p><p>“You’ve always got me, Benny-boy.” Caleb’s voice is muffled against his shoulder, but Ben can make out the words.</p><p>
    <em>As you me.</em>
  </p><p>And suddenly he remembers how to cry and a lone tear slides down his nose and hovers at the tip of it before falling.</p></div>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. ACCEPTANCE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>ACCEPTANCE</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>“Did I ever tell you about the time when I almost drowned off the coast of Greenland?” Caleb lifts his head from Ben’s chest and studies him. Ben blinks, knowing he can’t hide the red rims of his eyes but not truly caring.</p><p>“You did. When the rope of the harpoon coiled around your legs and the whale pulled you down, wasn’t that it?” Caleb had told the story as a big jape, laughing about it. Ben had always suspected he had added a touch of dramatic license to it to make it sound better – but it was a good story nonetheless.</p><p>“Yeah, that’s the one. The whale took the harpoon with it and dived deep, a big brawny bastard he was, and there I was, being pulled deeper and deeper. I was kicking like a fiend but the bloody rope just seemed to get tighter. I had used almost all the air in my lungs and I said to myself, <em>‘That’s it, Caleb Brewster, that was your life – it’s time to get ready to meet your maker</em>.”</p><p>“And then?” Ben had heard what next: the rope had miraculously loosened and Caleb had propelled his legs free, bursting through the surface just as his crewmates had almost given up on him. But if Caleb wanted to tell it again, he would listen.</p><p>“I have told you; I did untangle myself – still don’t know how – and lived to see another day. But you know what else? Ever since, every new day has been a gift and a day I never expected to live. You see, I gave up then. Accepting that that was it, my life.”</p><p><em>This </em>Ben hadn’t heard before.</p><p>“And I’ve had a good run since then, many extra years. So I can’t fault Death too much for wanting to claim what is owed, finally.” Caleb’s chuckle isn’t convincing – but god bless his soul, he tries.</p><p>“What are you trying to say?” Ben frowns.</p><p>“That life is like that; you never know when it is snuffed away. You saw what happened to Uncle Lucas? And to so many of our friends in this godforsaken war. Here one day, gone the next. That’s just how it is.” Caleb squeezes Ben tighter, and there is no strangeness in it nor in the fact that they are lying there, embracing each other like lovers.</p><p>“Is that why you are so calm?” Ben has gone through shock and pain, guilt and rage, and Caleb has just... been there. Quiet, peaceful.</p><p>“There was another thing that happened then, and which I haven’t told you about. But now… what the hell – I hope you can forgive me. And even if you can’t, at least I won’t be here for much longer to receive the well-earned wrath of Major Tallmadge.” This time Caleb’s chuckle sounds more believable.</p><p>“What other thing?” Ben’s fingers play with Caleb’s sideburns, so thick, so curly. He had been the first of their group to grow a beard and Ben had always been a bit jealous of it.</p><p>“When I was going down, I looked back on my life and thought of things that I loved the most.” Caleb buries his head against him again, his words ghosting as warm puffs of breaths across Ben’s chest. ”And I thought of you.”</p><p>Ben’s fingers stop moving.

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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you have liked this emotional rollercoaster – if so, please do let me know!<br/>So far this has been all about GRIEF - it is time in the next chapters to focus on LOVE...</p><p>I can also be found on Tumblr at <a href="https://ladytp-annex.tumblr.com/">ladytp-annex</a>...</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. INFATUATION</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>INFATUATION</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>
    <em>When had it started? When had Ben realised that his feelings towards his best friend were not what was considered normal or wholesome or acceptable, neither in the eyes of men nor Church?</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>For the longest time even he didn’t recognise it; only knew that when Caleb was present, everything seemed brighter and better, and when he was not, Ben couldn’t wait to see him again. It had been like that forever, as long as he could remember, but the shock of realisation had hit him when Caleb had been back from the sea for the first time.</em>
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    <em>Ben had greeted him happily, of course, and they had hugged - and being engulfed in the fold of those strong arms and breathing in the familiar scent, Ben had found himself wishing he would never have to let go. Pulling back from the embrace, reluctantly, he had looked into Caleb’s laughing eyes and felt himself drowning, deeper and deeper…</em>
  </p><p>
    <em>He never surfaced from that deep again.</em>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. ROMANCE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>ROMANCE</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>“Me? Why?” Ben says hoarsely.</p><p>“Why not? You were always there. If not in person, in my mind. I can’t begin to count how many times I sat on the deck looking across the sea and seeing your face in the waves. Weird, eh?” Caleb stirs, settling for a better position, his head now resting firmly in the crook of Ben’s arm.</p><p>“You… you were always there with me, too.” Ben starts unsurely, words unsaid for such a long time coming out of his mouth slowly, hesitantly. “Back at home, after you left. At Yale. And when I was teaching. And in the army, before you joined.”</p><p>“Me?” It is Caleb’s turn to sound uncertain.</p><p><em>If he is going to</em> – Ben refuses to think of the word, it is too final – <em>leave me tomorrow, he deserves the truth. No matter what the cost.</em></p><p>The fear of naming the thing he felt had always stopped Ben, as had the fear of what Caleb would do if he knew. None of that seems to matter now, though.</p><p>“Yes, you. I thought of <em>you.</em>”</p><p>“Benjamin Tallmadge, are you trying to say what I think you might be trying? Can it be true?” Caleb pulls away, studying Ben intently.</p><p>Ben doesn’t know what to say, but he returns Caleb’s gaze, unwavering.</p><p>Caleb searches Ben’s eyes, and whatever he finds seems to satisfy him as he sighs softly. “Benny-boy, you big goof. Why haven’t you said so before?”</p><p>Then Caleb envelopes Ben’s face between his hands and leans closer – and kisses him.</p></div>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. INTIMACY</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>INTIMACY</strong>
  </p><p> </p>
<p></p><p>Ben has kissed before, and he has been kissed. He knows the mechanics of it - but could have never imagined how it feels to be kissed by the one who <em>matters</em>.</p><p>Caleb’s moustache tickles him but underneath the coarseness are warm lips, soft touch, sensations like no other.</p><p>They are hesitant at first, both holding back. Yet when Ben senses that Caleb is about to pull away, he takes a firmer hold at the nape of his neck and deepens the kiss. It feels odd, the strangest thing of all being how natural it feels. No awkwardness, no embarrassment. No hesitation, now that the dam has burst open and floodwaters are flowing in.</p><p>Eventually, they have to break to draw breath.</p><p>“Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Never would have pegged you as such a good kisser, Tallboy!” A glimpse of the old Caleb grins at Ben, who momentarily feels ridiculously light and proud of the praise. “Had I known what I’m missing, I’d kissed you much sooner!”</p><p>“Why didn’t you?” Ben smiles back – and then it stabs him again: the pain.</p><p>
    <em>This is the only time we’ll have.</em>
  </p><p>“Kiss me again,” he murmurs and pulls Caleb to him.</p><p>
  

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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. CHALLENGE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>CHALLENGE</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>Grumbling stomachs have a sobering effect even on the most passionate moments, and after some time they stop to explore the contents of the tray. Ben pushes the food towards Caleb, who pushes it back to Ben, japing that he doesn’t really need a full day’s rations for the next day. His gallows humour falls flat and in the end, they both eat their portions in silence. Hard bread, cold bean stew, salted beef.</p><p>“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ben asks. After sharing their secrets, the ones they both have held too close to their hearts, it seems absurd that neither had ever even raised the topic before.</p><p>“That I fancy you? Jesus, Ben, you’re a preacher’s son! Don’t you think I know what a reprehensible sin it is? And that you know it, too. And I never… I never imagined…” Caleb doesn’t finish his sentence but only shrugs his shoulders.</p><p>“I wish you had,” Ben says simply.</p><p>“What about you? Haven’t heard you exactly gushing declarations of – whatever this is - either.”</p><p>Ben studies his piece of bread as if it holds all the answers. “I was afraid.”</p><p>“Of what?”</p><p>“That you would… laugh at me. Turn me down. Something.”</p><p>Caleb moves the tray away from between them and leans his forehead against Ben’s. His fingers play at the back of Ben’s neck, brush his ear. “Never.”</p><p>Then he straightens and sighs. “But it might be just as well. It might not have been possible. Us.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Ben is curious.</p><p>“Had I gotten from you what I just did, I wouldn’t have wanted to stop at that. I would have wished for more - much more.”</p><p><em>More?</em> Ben is not quite sure what that ‘more’ is – but he knows he would have given it to Caleb without hesitation.</p><p>
  

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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. TRUST</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>TRUST</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>Caleb doesn’t miss Ben’s pause.</p><p>“You don’t know, do you?”</p><p>“Know what?” Ben ushers his wandering mind back to the matter at hand.</p><p>“There’s more than kissing, if one wants it.”</p><p>Being so overwhelmed with the enormity of – well, everything – Ben hasn’t had time to process implications of what just happened. Kissing had been a revelation, as had embracing Caleb, contouring his body to his own. Confessing his feelings, even if yet in a roundabout way, had been a revelation too, all of this filling him with deep satisfaction.</p><p>Previously Ben would have thought that to be enough, especially in the situation they found themselves in. But now… now he wanted more.</p><p>“I want it,” he says firmly. <em>I want you.</em> Then he hesitates. Didn’t Caleb just say that it wouldn’t have been possible? “If you want, that is.”</p><p>The corners of Caleb’s eyes crinkle when he smiles. He leans closer and pulls Ben down with him back on the floor, with Ben cradled in his arms, this time. His hands flit at Ben’s sides, travel down his back, then pull at his shirt until he has freed it from Ben’s breeches.</p><p>His palms are warm when he touches Ben’s skin, and the sensation sends shivers down Ben’s whole body.</p><p>“Do you trust me, Benny-boy?” Caleb whispers, his voice husky.</p><p>“With everything,” Ben murmurs back, allowing himself to relax in Caleb’s arms.</p><p> </p></div>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. EXPLORATION</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>EXPLORATION</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><p>Ben is not a virgin, not since his encounter with Sarah. He knows the act – but with a woman. In an oddly disembodied way he wonders what Caleb is going to do. When he tries to lift his hand to touch him, Caleb shoos him away, whispers for him to just relax and let him do what he has wanted to do to Ben for the longest time…</p><p>The words alone send new shivers down Ben’s spine, as do Caleb’s wandering hands, soft touches of his fingertips, his kisses on Ben’s exposed skin after he lifts Ben’s shirt, journeying from his chest to his stomach and lower.</p><p>Ben closes his eyes and senses Caleb struggling with the buttons of his breeches for a moment before conquering them. The cool air on his thus exposed groin alone is not responsible for the goosebumps on his skin, and although a small part of Ben is embarrassed about the undignified and debauched condition of his cock, the first touch of Caleb’s lips on it banishes any such thoughts from further consideration.</p><p>
    <em>Oh, God!</em>
  </p><p>Ben clenches his fists against the hard floorboards, then finds Caleb’s curls and twists his fingers around them. He has never felt anything like this; the silky smooth glide of Caleb’s mouth along his length. He rocks with the motion, first jerkily, but soon finding synchrony with Caleb’s movements.</p><p>That Caleb sees him, takes him as he does, makes him feel this way… that notion alone surpasses all physical sensations, but in due course, the flesh must have its due.</p><p><em>Caleb Caleb Caleb,</em> Ben whimpers as he comes.</p><p>
  

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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. STABILITY</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The end is nigh - the last two chapters and the epilogue to finish this fic off are here... I hope you enjoy! 😁</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>STABILITY</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>“Christ, Ben – was it that bad?”</p><p>Caleb nudges himself up to Ben’s level and it’s only then Ben realises that he’s crying again. He brushes tears away with his knuckles, still too taken by the aftermath to mind how it looks. He has no shame, not anymore.</p><p>“Caleb, I never knew! What you just did…“ Ben turns to look at his friend – his lover? – and finds himself under somewhat amused scrutiny.</p><p>“You didn’t mind?”</p><p>“God, Caleb!” Ben’s father’s teachings about not taking the Lord’s name in vain forgotten, Ben swallows, hard.</p><p>“I never knew,” he finishes weakly and closes his eyes. He knows it is not fair for Caleb, and he intends to do… whatever Caleb wants, to return the favour. In just a moment. He needs just a few more minutes of this selfish bliss.</p><p>“You reckon we might have had a chance, then? If things had gone differently?” Caleb stares at the ceiling, contemplatively.</p><p>Ben accords him the respect of taking his question seriously. Had they found each other earlier, had they faced the prospect of either denying themselves in the name of decency or for fear of repercussions – or defying everything for… <em>this. </em>What would they have done?</p><p>The answer comes to him, clear and transparent.</p><p>“Yes, I do. We do.”</p><p>
    <em>We would have had.</em>
  </p><p>Ben exhales loudly and lifts onto his elbows.</p><p>“Caleb, tell me what you want me to do.”</p></div>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. COMMITTMENT</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>COMMITTMENT</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>Caleb tells him that just kissing him there is enough, he doesn’t expect Ben to return the full favour.</p><p><em>‘Too much too soon, I don’t want to push you too far,’</em> he tells Ben, and despite his protestations, there is novelty enough in the act to keep Ben overwhelmed. He kisses Caleb’s cock, fascinated to see it standing to attention – for him. No matter how natural it is to see other men naked, that is a sight never shared in honourable company.</p><p>His hands do the rest, familiar with the task, although the angles and positions are new to him. Somewhere at the back of his mind Ben spends a few seconds being jealous of the one, or ones, that have been there before, as it is clear to him that Caleb is not as inexperienced as he is.</p><p>It doesn’t matter though. Nothing matters - but this moment, these few short hours.</p><p>Afterwards they snuggle together, languid and spent.</p><p>“You weren’t doing this for the first time,” Ben finally says, a tad more curious than he would like to admit.</p><p>Caleb runs his hand through Ben’s hair, having unleashed it from its cue, and smiles.</p><p>“True. You weren’t my first - but you’ll be my last. And the only one who matters.”</p><p>“Well, it’s not like you’d find anyone else, here,” Ben tries to jape, knowing it to be a lame attempt. But if Caleb prefers to tackle the hopelessness of the situation with humour, Ben will follow his cue.</p><p>“Even if I did – even if I walked out of here tomorrow morning, I’d never as much as look at another ever again, not man nor woman.” Caleb’s touch is even, his gaze even more so. “You are the only one for me. You ever were, and ever will be.”</p><p>
  

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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. EPILOGUE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="mytext"><p>
    <strong>EPILOGUE</strong>
  </p>
<p></p><div class="divi"><p><br/>
</p></div><p>Against all his expectations Ben does fall asleep, in the end. Even more remarkably, so does Caleb, snoring lightly by his side when Ben opens his eyes.</p><p>Something woke him up and it takes a moment for Ben to figure out what. Shouts, running steps, then shots.</p><p>“Caleb!” He shakes Caleb by the shoulder. “Wake up!”</p><p>“Uh?” Caleb blinks his eyes in the early morning light streaming in through the narrow window. It doesn’t take long before he, too, is fully alert.</p><p>The sounds of a scuffle are unmistakable and mad hope lights up in Ben’s chest. <em>Can this be…?</em></p><p>After what seems like hours, but is probably only ten minutes, the door of the shed opens and in bursts a soldier in a hunting shirt, Continental army unofficial uniform.</p><p>“Major Tallmadge? Lieutenant Brewster?”</p><p>Ben could kiss the man out of pure joy – but he remembers the demands of his position soon enough and pulls up.</p><p>“At your service, Private…?”</p><p>“Private Payne, Major.”</p><p>“What’s happening out there, Private?”</p><p>Payne turns readily to Caleb.</p><p>“We have overtaken the British. No casualties, only a few wounded – on their side. Our men are lining them up to march to the longboats as we speak.” Only then does he take in Caleb’s condition and the blood-spattered cloth on the floor. “Are you injured, Lieutenant? Can you walk?”</p><p>Caleb is already climbing on his feet, hopping on one leg, supported by Ben whose head is still spinning from the news.</p><p>“You bet I can, Private. Just show me out of this bloody place.”</p><p>As they hobble through the door, Ben questions the young man. “How did you know we were here? Where do you come from?”</p><p>“A local lad saw you being ambushed and passed the information on. A villager from near-by apparently knew who you were, as he rowed across the sound last night with a woman and alerted some of your acquaintances, some smugglers.” A side-eyed glance at Caleb. “They sent word to the camp and General Washington dispatched us quick-step.”</p><p>“A villager? What was his name?” Ben is puzzled.</p><p>“He didn’t leave his name, but said he is from a village not far away, called Set… Satuk –“</p><p>“Setauket?” Caleb offers helpfully.</p><p>Payne nods. “Yes, Setauket. Just a local farmer, a small fellow. The woman was a looker, the ones who saw her say. Dark hair, brown eyes.”</p><p>Ben and Caleb exchange a look. <em>Abe and Anna.</em></p><p>.͠   ͠   ͠</p><p>Caleb can’t, after all, walk back to the longboats, but is forced to lay down on a crude makeshift stretcher. He takes the humiliation of being carried in his stride and Ben walks next to him when they leave the settlement and all the way to the boats and refuses to leave his side even as they cross the sound. They don’t talk much, the enormity of the last day and night still sinking in, and opportunities for an honest talk being limited due to the presence of the others.</p><p>When the men in the boat focus their attention on the fast-approaching landing site on the other side, Caleb slides his hand under the cover of a blanket to touch Ben’s, who takes it and squeezes it tightly.</p><p>“You were saying something back in the shed about us having a chance. Did you mean it?”</p><p>Ben rubs his thumb against Caleb’s palm and smiles at him, an easy smile he feels must stretch from ear to ear. He is happy.</p><p>“I most certainly did. I’m a man of my word – and this is just a beginning.”</p><p>Ben knows that it’s not going to be easy, that it may be dangerous. He knows there will be obstacles on their path. But most of all, he knows that this is the only thing he is sure of.</p><p>“Well, then. Lead on,” Caleb says and smiles back.</p><p>A smile filled with promise.</p><p> </p><p>
    <strong>THE END</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promised you a happy ending... and I delivered! 😉😃</p><p>If you have any thoughts or comments about this story, please do share! And come say hi on <a href="https://ladytp-annex.tumblr.com/">ladytp-annex</a>...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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